A Woodsy smell

I enjoy a healthy relationship with dislike for certain athletes. The union trails my partnership with respecting sporting folks, but I never have to worry about giving enough amore to the antics of buffoons, troglodytes and underachievers. The reciprocity is fantastic; I give them adulation and they grant me gobs of goofiness to chronicle.

I experienced overload this weekend. My son’s Sunday Baptism overwhelmed me with positive emotions, so I needed some incidents to let negativity pour a little cold water on my happiness. Enter Tiger Woods, Carlos Zambrano and the top stars of the Women’s Tennis Association.

Woods, the recipient of 14 years of disdain from me for his theatrics and arrogance, missed the cut at the PGA Championships. The golfer came nowhere close to being a part of the last two rounds, extending his winless drought and proving he will never approach the greatness that saw him hold the number one ranking for 281 straight weeks. If one could log a list of the most pathetic tales, Woods would hold the chief spot for eternity.

Zambrano could give a Woods a run for his dwindling money, though. The eccentric Chicago Cub threatened retirement after the Braves made his offerings bleacher dwellers Friday. His team, hopeless with or without him, put him on the disqualified list. Unable to hurl his cheese or cash any checks, he should prepare for his inevitable move to the White Sox, where he can challenge manager Ozzie Guillen, a fellow Venezuelan, to a “Who’s crazier?” contest. I foresee a draw.

Shame on the top players on the WTA. I love tennis but cannot offer equal affection to the women’s tour. I am not a sexist pig; I am simply someone who desires a quality product.

Serena Williams won the Rogers Cup in straight sets yesterday. In only her fourth tournament after missing a year with health troubles, the 29-year-old nabbed her second title. She looked unchallenged in Toronto after having looked the same in Stanford. What gives, ladies? I know Williams presents numerous problems for you, but two titles in four events? Why are you not running her ragged? It amazes me how none of you dominated in her absence, and you surely are doomed to be second-rate bashers. I do not like her, but Williams will surely be holding the U.S. Open trophy next month. The Australian Open title should follow in January, the French Open crown in June…




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